June 17th, 2000

(no subject)

it's always night that gets to me, either right before it's time to go to bed, or right after when i haven't gotten to sleep, yet. and all you can do is lay there and think until you go to sleep. think about what you've done and what you're going to do and what lies ahead and whether you're alone... and what you've done that you wouldn't've, and what's happened that you wish hadn't, even if you had absolutely no power to change the course of events.

tonight i'm forestalling it with mp3s and alcohol, but it's not anything you can stop. your thoughts will catch up with you, anyhow.

maybe this is why i took a psych drop from state and took off. because there was stuff i couldn't forget? maybe. there was more to it than that. the funny part is, i dropped out when i was almost sort of together. there had been much worse times than that semester. i think it all just finally caught up.

depression, blues, whatever, is an odd thing. you're fine, you're not, you're fine again. i'm fine these days, for the most part... any scrapes with depression or whatever these days is nothing compared to my first year at science and math, (when i was really scared to look for help, lest they send me back to South Stokes) and again my junior year at state, when i wanted to slit my wrists open. i'm pretty sure i'm past all that. i hope so. apparently it runs in the family.

gots a good job waiting for me, got a roof over my head... i'm not whining, not at all. my life is pretty damned good right now. my head is actually pretty much together. i'm hoping it stays that way. i'm just wishing we could figure out why some peoples' brains are always in tune, why some people are constantly happy and upbeat, no matter what, and some aren't.

i actually did a long paper for a biology class, the fall after that really really bad fall at state (ever stood peeling a potato, thinking to yourself, "if i drop this knife through my foot, they'll send me to the hospital, and then they'll lock me up, and i won't have to deal with this anymore") about whether mental illness was inherited or whether it was environmental or whether some people are just randomly born with a broken brain, just like some people break arms as kids falling out of trees or some kids are born without arms or what have you. the conclusion of the paper? no one knows. go figure. we're ashamed of depression. we're always taught on monday morning to say we're fine in the elevator to everyones' polite questions, even if we are't.
we don't care enough to find out. we're told "snap out of 'it'". why not figure out what caused "it" in the first place?

it's always night that gets to me. and soon, i'll curl up in a chair, since there's someone asleep on the couch i've been sleeping on, and i'll curl up around my teddy bear, and i'll hope to get to sleep soon. because, generally, the quicker i can get to sleep, the better i'm doing. the less i'm thinking about things...

and i seem to be doing better these days. you have to wonder why. be nice if we could bottle it up somehow, figure out what to do for everyone...

heh. this is nice and rambling. don't mind me. going to listen to some more mp3s and get something else to drink.

(no subject)

offer letter came via fed ex this morning. life's good =)

i'm going to be doing prelive configuration and support for cybersource, which does ecommerce stuff. looks like a pretty fun place to work...